It's been 2 weeks since the big blow out. Things have been pretty decent at the home front. His heart is softer, the drinking has slowed way down, and he uses words like "us, we, ours". That's a big deal given the past 5-6 months. A lot of awful things were confirmed during the big blow out, and the conversation was left that I needed to find a place to live. But his actions are not speaking true to what was said. I have been keeping a huge secret from him that was weighing heavy on my shoulders. His mother and grandparents know everything. It was a huge weight, and I felt he needed to know. All of us have been praying for him, and at our perspective churches they are praying too. I think that may have started the said shift. He hasn't said he loves me in several months. If I'm being honest and true that hurts my heart so very much.
What keeps me going is our morning routine. The alarm goes off before sunrise, he gets up and then wakes me up, asking to make his lunch. He always calls me "Hun" (sort for honey) in the morning. I walk to the kitchen and smell the coffee I pre-programmed the night before, as I put his lunch and coffee together, I stumble through humming noises of praise music. I keep smiling, and I pray for his safety. After he is done getting around he joins me in the kitchen, along with our fur babies (they tend to follow his every move). He unlocks the side door, turns on the patio light and turns the alarm off. He takes his work gear and lunch out to the car, comes back in for his coffee cup and a kiss. He always says "have a good day", "drive safe" or a "see you tonight". I'm always praying it will be followed up with "I love you!". I think most would agree that you should say it daily! I'll talk about that more another time.
I head back to our bedroom, but before cuddling back down into the sheets and my head on my soft pillow I pray. Either kneeled down on his side of the bed, my side of the bed, or on top of the bed I pray. I'm always praying through out the day for my husband, but a few weeks ago the Lord made it very clear to me to start in the morning, when I rise. The prayer usually looks something like this:
Dear God, I am honored this morning to have the opportunity to come before you and pray for my husband, and for our marriage. Thank you for using what the devil means for harm, for your glory. I know that someday this testimony will help other people lean on your love. God, thank you for your unconditional love and for showing me how to love my husband unconditionally. Thank you Lord for the day of restoration and salvation. I can't wait to celebrate those days with my dear husband. God, I pray for my husbands mind this morning. That he would eliminate any voice or sound that would be clouding his mind from your word. I pray that while he is working he would hear from you, and he would receive whatever conviction you place on his heart. Continue Lord to reveal to me the wife that I am supposed to be, and reveal to him the ways of a husband he needs to be. I continue to proclaim that this is the year of my husbands salvation! I continue to proclaim that this is the year our marriage is restored to a Christ centered marriage again, even better then before. Thank you Father for placing prayer warriors in my life to keep me lifted when I want to fall or give up. Thank you Jesus....Amen
After praying I turn on the song "Give me Jesus". While it plays I get under the blankets, and soak in where it's nice and warm and toasty. The fur babies climb around me, sometimes I sleep, sometimes I pray some more, and other times I just lay in the quiet and dark room and enjoy.
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